(fake restaurant review of Panda Express I wrote for Funny or Die)
Right when I entered the restaurant I was hit with an overpowering punch to the nostrils, filled with the scent of sugar, orange and rice vinegar. To accompany the smell of this agent orange, the decor reminded me of a hotel room decorated by someone with a weird panda fetish. I grabbed my plastic food tray as if I were in a mess hall and processed to pick out my side and two entrees.
The greasy non-flavored chow mien is only spiced up by the addition of what I thought were julienned styrofoam packing peanuts, but on closer inspection it appeared to be cabbage. Individuals with the most refined of palettes may be the only ones to pick up on this sublet difference.
Orange Chicken, this world famous dish was recommend to me by everyone who has stepped foot in this establishment. The second the sugar blasted piece of meat touched my tongue my mouth exploded with flavor. My pupils dilated, and my heart started racing. Whatever chemical they injected into these nuggets of poultry and sugar started making it’s way through my veins. I highly doubt that Walter White has ever produced something as pure as this shit.
I decided to double down on the candied meat. The Beijing Beef was just as sweet as the Orange Chicken, but without the addition of flavor. Though Panda Express claims to have peppers in this dish, Mitt Romney has more spice than this beef.
Though my light lunch filled with carbs and sugar only weighed in at 1600 calories and only 60 grams of sugar, double the sugar of that of a can of coke. I think it’s time I grabbed some dessert, perhaps a bag of sugar to bring my blood sugar levels back down.